Ciuva.com Blog

As you’ve probably noticed, I haven’t posted anything here since the beginning of November. NaNoWriMo went well, I finished in a week, and now I’m doing WriYe with a word count goal of 1 million words.

I haven’t given up on this blog, though I don’t think I’ll update it as often as I did at one point. For regular blog-things you can either see my livejournal, which is in English, or my blogspot blog, which is only in Norwegian. As for what I’ll use this blog for I’m not quite sure, as I’m not sure if anyone reads it (probably not anymore, anyway, since it’s been so long since I updated). I figure I might continue uploading sketches and such here, it will at least be something. And I feel more comfortable uploading them on my own site than on blogspot or livejournal (or facebook!) Or maybe I’ll upload some stories?

Anyway, see you when I have something of interest to post.

Why, oh why can’t it be November soon! My fingers are really itching to write and I keep on going to nanowrimo’s website to lurk in the forum and become even more impatient. I want my progress bar to move!

That was all. But I suspect this won’t be the last post of its kind.

No, not “work” work. Book work. I am currently going through ALL my stories (yes, everything on my hard drive) to figure out what I’ve written about the world and how things are and why. Because it’s sort of nice to know when writing a novel from that world. Especially since it’s soon NaNoWriMo. (Yeah, yeah, I wasn’t supposed to do that this year, but sue me, here we go again.)

Luckily I’ve changed computers and thus cleaned out my hard drives some times now, so the really bad stories are dead and gone. Long gone, I hope. It could have been worse. Besides, I haven’t really managed to do anything regarding writing the last couple of years (or 3-5, to be brutally honest) so it’s not THAT much to go through. And also it’s very easy to distinguish which stories are from that world and which stories are from somewhere else. Still, as I’m writing it by hand it takes a while. But I think I’ll have a better constructed universe in the end.

I don’t really think it’s strange that my head’s been killing me today, though. Apart from lack of sleep.

I made the mistake of looking at writers’ stuff at cafepress.co.uk and nanowrimo.org – what a mistake it was! I really, really want so much of what’s for sale there! I really want a “writer’s T-shirt” – so many funny ones there. But I can’t afford it… Aaah, I want money!

Oh, by the way – if there’s actually anyone reading this, apart from those who just post spam, could you please comment, just once? I don’t mean to beg for comments, but it would be nice just to know someone’s out there. You don’t have to register to comment. You’d make me really happy if you do!

Oh dear. Here we go again.

Today I signed up for National Novel Writing Month for 2009. I, who am supposed to be writing my thesis, in addition to work and dance practice. True, I’ve written quite a bit lately and really want to write whenever I’m not in front of my computer, but still. I had resolved NOT to participate due to lack of time and opportunity – after all I really need to focus on my thesis – and there it goes out the window.

I have participated twice before, though I never won. I think I gave up only one week into November. Though at that time I was suffering from depression and gave up on everything. That’s how it felt, anyway. This year I just couldn’t keep away, despite my better judgement. To my advantage is the fact that I am super-motivated. I can probably write for at least an hour each day, and then all day on weekends. I probably won’t win (write at least 50 000 words before November is through) but I might actually come close this year. I am resolved to get at least 20 000 words this year before I even think of giving up. Although I of course don’t plan to give up at all. We’ll see!

Anyone else doing NaNoWriMo this year?

Fuck this. Fuck my insecurity, my nagging doubts, my dark view of the future, the innumerable faults I see in myself and my work.

I CAN do this.

I can, I will, I shall.

Not because there is no other option (because there always is) but because this is the option I choose. No more stopping myself!

I am now half a year delayed with my thesis. Before that, I had a whole year to write (okay, half of that was used for finding a thesis topic). I spent most of that year being clinically depressed, so I guess I don’t have to look further than that for an explanation. Apart from that I spent it procrastinating, doing things just to pass the time. Even most of my PC games were purchased and played just to make the hours pass.

It’s almost depressing looking back at it (oh the irony).

I am, knock on wood and provided my mind stays stable, almost well. I haven’t felt depressed in weeks, and when I visited my parents this weekend I forgot to take my meds for two days and I was still cheerful and, well, myself. My mother even commented that things seemed to go really well for me now, and during my chats with her I became really motivated. The only thing that isn’t good right now is that I’m so extremely sleepy all the time. Since my meds are helping me sleep in addition to keeping my depression at bay that’s not so strange. My doctor says that when I am well and the meds aren’t needed, their only effect is to make me sleepy. Not sure what causes what, but no matter how you look at it, the fact is that I am really getting better (in fact, I am very, very close to being completely well).

I have been thinking a lot lately – being a procrastinator to the core, but completely sick of writing (or actually not writing) my thesis, I really had to do something. The thought of needing another extension for the deadline is worrisome for me. I’ve made a gameplan – a week plan to be precise – which specifies everything that needs to be done each day. I’ve given myself a timetable – specific times for writing schoolwork, complete with pauses – and a list to keep to each day so to ensure that everything gets done.

It’s not going to be fun, but I’m really going to go for it now. I am going to hand in my thesis on the 20th of November no matter what. I am going to finish it, I am going to pass it, and I am going to finish being a student. For once in my life I look forward to the working life.

The next 2 months I am going to focus completely on school and Japanese (I’m also taking a Japanese course), nothing else. Maybe I’ll doodle a little bit in the evenings, maybe not. Don’t expect any entries here before December, however. This is it – for once in my life I’m going to go for it completely, get my priorities straight and finish it.

Wish me luck.

See you in December

I really wish…

…that I would get less spam and more genuine comments on this blog, and that I would be able to tell the difference between some of the most sophisticated spam comments and genuine ones.

…that my thesis was finished

…that I could let things go

…that I dared to do things I want to do, dared to take a chance

…that I could be at peace with myself

…that I had more time for friends, and that my friends had more time

…that my friends lived closer

…that I didn’t suck at keeping in touch with my friends

…that I could stop stopping myself (directly, indirectly, mentally, subconsciously) from achieving my goals and doing what I want.

…that I had a fantastic plot idea for my book

…that my book was finished so I know that I could

…that I could believe in myself. Really believe in myself. And trust in myself. Some sort of self-confidence at least – on the inside, not just on the outside. If it’s even there.

…that I was able to really go for the things I want.

…I could sleep right now

…that I didn’t have to worry about money anymore, and that I had more sense, economy-wise

…that I didn’t keep deceiving myself over and over again

…that I was able to do what I know I need to do to and not just for a couple of days before I stop. I’m not talking school or work or things like that, but small things that I should do every day to keep myself well and my depression at bay… talking a walk each day, eating breakfast (although I’m better at this one now), doing things to de-stress, doing work when it shows up and not letting it pile up, getting enough sleep…

…that I had a piano

…that my guitar skills weren’t so rusty (but I’m refreshing them! It’s fun playing the guitar again)

…that I had a low D tin whistle

…that I wasn’t so materialistic

…that the first Sims 3 expansion pack was here NOW

…that I was finished with my thesis – oh wait. Already said. Ooops, said it again.

…that I was finished with my thesis – it can’t be said too many times

…that I know what to do with my life

…that I was better at drawing, had a wider range of subjects I could draw and that I could push myself to learn new things

…that I could live at least partially off my photography, or drawing

…that I had an artwork (photo or drawing/painting) published in a magazine or book, or got one or more short stories published

…that I could knock my inner editor out cold so I could actually be able to write again.

…that I didn’t have so extremely high expectations for myself, and that I didn’t give in before I’ve even tried fulfilling them – it’s a recipe for failure the way it’s now.

…that I had a dog

…that I had a rabbit

…that I didn’t constantly long for things I don’t have

…that I didn’t regret so much

…If, of course, I am able to write anything in short.

So, this is how my holiday went:

- Lions, lions and lions. 3 visits to Kristiansand Zoo. Next year I’ll buy a year card, it’ll be cheaper and with free parking.

- Temptations. Saw several guys with Canon EOS 1D in the zoo. I want! But I’m slowly seeing a development in the photos I shoot, so I’ll probably manage without a new camera. Anyway I made a deal with myself that I won’t buy a new camera until I can afford the 1D, since that’s the one I really want. Anything else is just a step on the way towards it. Also I won’t buy it before I have at LEAST 75% of the total sum for the entire purchase in my bank account, that is, don’t rely on credit card.

- Saw the Nintendo Wii and WiiFit way too many places. I really want it, but hopefully soon I’ll be able to afford it.

-I’ve swum in the sea. Not in the bay, at the SEA. I’m proud of myself (I’ve been phobic of swimming in the sea since I was little)

- Walking, walking, walking

- Got a new beginning for the book. Not just any of my book projects, but the BOOK. I’ve attempted this type of beginning before, so maybe that’s a sign (it wasn’t swapped because it was bad or didn’t work).

- Over 3000 photos. Need I say more?

- Shopping, shopping, shopping. Bought a yoga set (elastics, yoga mat and gym ball), clothes, a purse, sandals, two caps, a tiger T-shirt and BOOKS. 10 books! (The entire Artemis Fowl series, and Septimus Heap series (not sure if that’s the name of the series), as well as the Encyclopedia of Fantasy and a book on language (travels between languages, to translate it loosely).)

- Friends. I met my old friends K and T(they’re siblings. I’ve known T since he was 6 and K literally her whole life), and my brother and his girlfriend, as well has her younger sister, came to visit as well.

- Stunning landscapes. As I wrote I was driving down to the south, and then I drove back up yesterday and the day before. Spent the night in a tiny, roadside cabin with a hard bed, in Haukeli, and slept better than I do at home. I even forgot my meds and managed to sleep anyway There were some stunning views on the way, and I wish I had been able to capture more of them on… not film, what do you say when it’s digital?

- Haircut. Cut my hair short and I love it. Now it’s both blonde AND short.

I think there were a few more things I wanted to write, but I’ve forgotten them. More serious blog entries on their way, I’ve got a few plans. Bye for now!

I’ve spoken to my boss, finally. Some days ago I was so fed up with work that I had actually written my 1-month notice (as required by the contract) and asked for a meeting with my boss to tell her I quit. I had such a bad feeling about work and felt so tired that I couldn’t see how I’d manage working more.

One thing led to the other, and during the meeting it was agreed that I should work the rest of the summer, and if I needed it take a leave during autumn to finish my thesis. If I then got accepted to the PhD course, I could quit, if not, I could work full time for a while and thus get more of the work I like. I also felt far better about the work I perform than before our talk, apparently I’ve been going around beating myself up (mentally, of course) over something that doesn’t exist – failures that aren’t failures, and things that she hadn’t even noticed. While I thought I did a horrible job, she thought I did a good job. Needless to say, going to work the day after was pretty easy.

I kind of know what it is that has made me think that way and made work so tiresome, but it’s too personal to write here. In any case I’m working on it.

On a lighter note, summer is here, I’m badly sunburnt (again) and it’s waay to warm. I’m going for my summer vacation in three days, can’t wait, and in between that a good friend will visit my flatmate and me, which I really look forward to. Also, I’m writing and writing and writing.

Well! Back to work!

Just another pointless post I guess, but I just looked at the website statistics for this website, and there are actually people who read this blog I actually didn’t think there were anyone who had discovered it yet. How nice