In other words, I have an existential crisis. Again. There seems to be quite a few of them lately. Probably it’s because certain things have made me think a lot more on my life and actually ask the essential questions: “Am I happy as things are now?” and “What do I want from my life?” The answer to the last one is that I want to be happy or content. But then – what is going to make me content? How do I know what that is? Do I go for what is comfortable, which in itself is enough to be somewhat content, or do I go for the less comfortable but more rewarding solution?
Currently, and for the first time in years, this involves work. I’m not sure that the work choices that I had decided upon were entirely good, or that I really considered my options and my desires. Staying at the hotel where I currently work is a very comfortable option, but I’m not sure it’s the mentally best option. I don’t agree with many things the owner decide, and I don’t feel like this is where I should be. I do like the hotel business, and was sorely tempted by a work ad with big words for one of the hotels by the airport. Why haven’t I considered this sooner?
I know the answer to the last question though. I’ve spent my life thinking I was really shy and, in reality, digging my own grave. I became insecure because I honestly believed I was. I don’t anymore. I suffer from the after-effects when at university, because that’s a setting where I have always been really shy, but at work I’m not. I’m friendly, outgoing, smiling and talkative. Who would have thought! I really want more of a challenge. I want to work a place where I can work with good conscience, a place I’m proud of working and which I feel I can recommend to people, a place with a large environment, a place which isn’t so much affected by the financial crisis so that they can keep focus on making the customers happy. A place where I have collegues, proper training, policies that you get trained in, and with order in the payment- and holiday system.
The thing is: Even though I know that I would love to work in a place like that, and in fact I plan to take an Internet course, part time, in tourism so that I get some proper background, it’s not what I’ve spent the last five years educating myself for. Of course I never, until I started here, believed that I could do such a job, because I was too shy, I thought. By Christmas I should have finished my Master’s thesis. I begin to have a fairly good grasp of linguistics and have been dragged to all workshops being arranged in my city by my advisor. There’s a huge project I get to be a part of and honestly, the chance that I could continue to be a part of it if I choose to go on with a PhD is… well, it’s there. I won’t guess how big it is. But I know that I would love it.
Due to my depression I don’t really remember too much of what I learnt during my bachelor in linguistics. Unfortunately. It does take away your ability to concentrate and remember – in short you get stupid. I’m working my way up from that but the disadvantages linger. I don’t feel stupid anymore but there’s a lot to repeat, and the progress is slow. But it’s there.
So what do I choose, then, faced with two options that I would very much like? I don’t have any education for the hotel business, but I know that I enjoy working with it and I honestly think I could do a damn good job at it. Also I would have some mental energy left at the end of the day so that I could read linguistics anyway. I DO have an education for linguistics, and I love to study. What isn’t there to love about a job that would let me learn new things all the time and go to conferences and workshops with other people who love what I do? I can’t get away from the fact that I find languages the most fascinating thing in the world. I love writing, painting, playing instruments, singing, and well, I love a whole bunch of other things (I’ve never lacked interests), but NOTHING beats languages. Why should I sacrifice that?
I’ve been thinking, after three workshops, that I’m not as good as anyone else, that I don’t know enough, that I will lag behind. But I’m at workshops with professors and people who have worked with this for years. People who have written the books on my curriculum. Of course I lag behind. I’m only a Master’s student, it’s a given. I can’t let that stop me. Of course I hate not being the one who knows the most about things, but why let that stop me? Why not just use that as a motivation to learn as much as possible? I can’t continue being my own worst enemy and stop myself from things that I would really like just because they’re a little bit scary. I just have to work with myself to try to not let it affect me so much. Alright that working in the linguistics field might not be the most economically safe and stable line of work, especially not here, but I think there might be something in it for me anyway. I’ve never put much weight to the “safe” side of things when considering what line of work I should choose. I’ve always gone with what I wanted and I definitely don’t regret that I ended up with linguistics.
The problem now is that even if I stop preventing myself from going for the things that I really want and start realising what I really want, I want those two things equally. I really want to work in a hotel reception. I really, really do. But on the other hand I really, really want to be a part of that scientist environment that I’ve slowly begun to be a part of this last year, I want to meet the people, be able to talk linguistics with them and attend the workshops and figure out new things. Even though the thought is scary as hell, I want to be up by the blackboard myself, presenting my latest findings and having something to say. I didn’t realise it before now how big a part this “fantasy” played when I was daydreaming about my future (I daydream a LOT). Also it’s not like people haven’t commented on how I’d make a good teacher and “you know, why haven’t you considered becoming a teacher?” If I choose the linguistics route I would most likely get to both teach and do science. Both things scary as nothing else I know, but I think both things would have been rewarding.
After all, being a receptionist, answering the phone and greeting guests used to be something that I would never, ever do, and never ever dare to do. Look what happened, I love it.
But what on earth should I choose? If it was possible, I’d say I’m becoming crazy. But as I usually say, it’s impossible to become something you already are.
I guess I’ll figure it out sometime…
(This was supposed to be a cheerful entry, seems like I’ve gone and hid some things from myself again.)